happy go lucky :D

Today was just amazing :) im happy :) Nicole likes me and god can i NOT WAIT :D and i gave my first gay rights rant to a CLASS :D today could not be any better :D nothing could ruin today. Not a single thing :D

Just kiss the girl :)

Joy has a bf? Congrats. hope he can actually stand you. because that poor fuck is going to lose his heart.


God <3  i keep day dreaming of how she'll taste. I want to kiss her. And its getting to the point where im uncontrolable.
I find myself staring at her and just WANTING.
<3 Shes absolutly perfect to me. <3

Why are you so perfect, baby? <3

Im in trouble, Im an addict, im addicted to this girl :)

I'm obsessed <3 out of my mind obsessed <3
And shes so perfect, beyond the words i can say <3
Her pupils were dialated around me <3 Which, just incase you didnt know, means. that they either high, in a dark room, OR they are attracted to you <3
Its proven <3
God those green eyes <3 so perfect and just beautiful <3 And believe it or not (joy this is for you so be happy)  Around her, im not all about me. I dont care what happens to me around her. I could be tied up, beaten with a stick, or a bat and as long as she was looking at me, i say go for it.
Im not full of myself around her. And here, ill admit some stuff.
Yes joy, for you, have fun, love.
I could really work my tummy and my legs if i wanted to.My hair DOES suck, i hate it too, join the club.
I love laughing, it makes me happy, sorry if its stupid.I DO say stupid shit. just happens, sorry that im not you. I FAKE DATED GUYS FOR YOU. My writing, like handwriting? It could be much better but i dont care. I BECOME SUPERIOR? wtf? I hate my mom, agreed its true, but you know why? Because i have never had a childhood. That was stolen away from me. I CANT stand to be alone, because im clingy, i need people, im sorry that ive never had anyone to care for me and love me. thats why i trated you like fucking everything. Because you were that person to me. And now, she is. AND ive told her. <3 I love HER.



A girl meets a girl, end of story <3
Kay ^.^ awesome day today :) Love yall
bye my little lovelies <3

Fallin' for the vampire queen

Why is it that people in cartoonssem so much more atractive? maybe its because they ar usually static and dont change.
But god Marceline i sooooo awesome and sexy :) ADVENTURE TIME ALL THE WAY :) btw, princess bubblegum nd Marceline would jut be so god damn cute <3 complete opposites and everything <3 it would complete me :)
Now, if i could just find like... a blue version of little Bubblegum and claim her, we'd be perfect, i even play guitar so its totally amazing <3
her is a heartbreakin secret love confession of Marceline to Bubblegum
Come on guys, totally a love confession :)
it also gos out to little Ms. Joy, who has made me sooooo happy by not being a total bitch today :) Kaythanxbye :)

Freedom is so damn sweet :)

God :) this is awesome <3
I dont think about her anymore! :D I'm freeeeee <3
Completely over her andall of my stupidty with being obsessed. And my sights are on Bateman, which even I know i WONT get but  just love SO much about her <3 shes perfect to me.
Shall i list the reasons? :)
I think i shall :) Ready, love? Here we go <3
1.You're amazingly smart
2. You're perfect
3. Your smile
4.Your laugh
5.You're sweet
6. Your eyes
7. You care
8. You're walk
9. when you lay on my shoulder
10.how you act oblivious to how much i love you
11. how you replace cus words <3
12. how you dose off with your head on your backpack
13. believe it or not, how you obsess over Andy
14. how you link arms with me
15. how you let me protect you, even with little things <3

And there are so many more <3
I love you <3 :)
and right now, i dont care who knows <3 :)

My beautiful Bateman

So, yeah bad day yesterday, but im all good now. I mean, WHY should i try if she treats me like shit. She just likes my attention no doubt. But now, bateman, sweetie, its all focused on you :) lol you know it babe :)
Kay Bye guys <3
Love ya my lovelies <3

you know this is for you

Listen to the lyics and maybe you'll know this is for you </3

And oh, how she loves me so... But i dont love her

I know how she feels now.
But i know how Kare feels too...
And i feel like shit all together.
Im her nothing.
kare is my nothing.
Shes my world.
I'm kares world.
but saddly, this empty hole just keeps growing and growing and soon i'll just be the empty shell im supposed to be.
And once i get to that empty state. Life will seem like such a burden. Like it used to when i used to hurt myself because i though i was my own problem. Want to know something?
I am my own Problem.
So many people would be happy or happier if i wasnt here.
Bateman wouldnt have the weight of me loving her on her shoulders.
Allard would've never been hurt by me before, never wouldve wasted her time.
Joy... Joy would be perfect, untainted.
Kare would be happy being with someone that loves her.
And i, i would be happy and stress free.
I wouldnt be here.
there would be some empty spaces maybe. but not too big that you guys wouldnt be able to live without me.

I'm so sorry ive done all of this. to all of you.

I wish i could go home. I don't have a home...

What i hate

Wanna know what i really hate???

BEing the nothing that seems to crowd the hallway...
Thats what i hate.

Tonight tonight i feel my heart breaking all over again

Here's some poems that have nothing to do with what i;m really going to tell you.

                                What of it?

You know this world we live in, with its problems and its ways? You know how the dollar, doesn’t go a long way? You know how girls are getting Prego at six or seventeen, it doesn’t mean I’ll be wreak less, to where that ends up being me.

You know this ordeal called homosexuals? There’s not anything wrong with these people and their souls. They’re just a little different, it doesn’t change who they are and it doesn’t mean you have to go hit them with your car.

You know the things called a race? Yeah, there is one of every kind, Asian Hispanic, Black or white, it doesn’t matter they still have a mind.

You know this thing called time? Yeah, well there’s little of it, but all these things you call problems all I can say is, ‘Yeah? What of it?’ It doesn’t matter if you’re Prego, or if you like your own sex, it doesn’t matter if you’re Asian, Hispanic, Black or white, we all have colors too.

And if you talk smack on us, I’ll say ‘Yeah, why does it matter so much to you?’

What of it?

Moonlit dance

Take this chance, hold my hand, this is it, what I’ve been waiting for.

Into the night, out by the lake, the fireflies are all outside our back door.

Come with me, I’ll get you to see, who I really want to be.

Around you, I feel free, like you complete me.

My missing piece, the one I need, Just please take a chance on me.

I promise you, that I’ll be exactly the person you want me to be.

I’ll hold you fragile, in my hands, not matter what it takes to make amends.

You’re so free, like I want to be, you teach me, how to let go of petty things. Please flash me that smile and take my hand.

So we can make it final, by a moonlit dance.

So Forbidden

 Be quiet, love, they’re on our tail, the closer they get, the more we fail.

We can’t be seen, in public, because showing affection is apparently ‘demonic’.

Just say ‘yes’ you already are here. Take my hand and we’ll flee the streets.

They can’t find us, no not where we’re going.

We’re so forbidden, and no one knows it.

Staring

I can’t seem to stop staring because you’re just so beautiful. I want you to sit by me so I can tell you what it is I want you to know.

You make me smile as if I was a child. You make me laugh, I haven’t laughed in a while. When I look at you, you make my heart flutter.

Pardon me, but your eyes are so soothing, they make me relax.

I can’t taste your lips nut I’m sure they’d put me at ease.

You’re just so beautiful, please take my hand, and maybe then, you’ll understand…

Why I can’t stop staring.

So, Joy and I have decided to completely just stop. Which will either held us or hurt us both. Because she’s a big part of my life right now. BUT!

Here’s what happened.

She’ll probably be mad at me for doing’ this cuz Mags didn’t know, but on Monday, Joy and I had decided to be touchy feely bodies. And Tuesday, I don’t think there was any big deal going on. Yesterday, she had told me she had started regretting her decision.

I laughed because well, obviously, it was coming. And I saw it. So today, Thursday, a lot of really important things took place.

1.      Apparently she called me a bitch, didn’t shock me.

2.       She told me the truth.

3.       I told her something along the lines of what I was thinking past my tears, which I’m still trying to fight.

4.      And my last sentence, a VERY big sentence that means a lot to me And Joy, was

‘Still friend’s right?’

I’m done trying to force her into things, I’ve done that enough. This’ll be a big regret for me, because I was at her mercy.

And I send her an email saying ‘So, it’s up to you, yes or no?’

Her reply: No.

Believe me, I saw this coming. I’ve been thinking and crying about this since school ended today.

I’ve lost her.

I just gave up. The last thing I wanted to do I did. I hurt her, we fought, and we no longer want to speak to each other daily.

So I’m stuck with these thoughts haunting everything I do.

I’m really hopping she feels the same way. There’s no way I’ll last like this.

And this is really a confession to her saying in the best way I can…

I’m so incredibly sorry.

I’ve lost her.

Now, a happier subject,

I warned Bateman that all my attention will be going to her and my obsession as well, she laughed and said okay.

God I love her laugh <3 her smile too <3 and she has amazing eyes <3 a brilliant color of green I might add <3 Love yah hun :)

Goodnight my lovelies, lets see if i can stop crying.

You

You kill me, you hurt me, you make me cry but i still cant help looking in yours eyes.
You sufficate me with everyword and every movement you make, makes me hurt.
You make me wonder why i even try when all i want to do is die.
why did i care at all?
Why everytime i fall?
I feel like you just keep pulling the trigger. One bullets enough i dont even think you shouldve considered, 2, 3, 4, or more dont worry im already on the ground.
Youve killed the person i used to be and now its just empty inside of me.
you used to be the one for me, when i was innocent and clean.
Youre eight words stabbed me manytimes everytime i went to think about it i cried.
I dont cry anymore, i wont cry anymore.


But one things for sure.
I still love you.

Confused as fuck

sooo My new little benefit, has decided she isnt all  wanting it anymore. Well sorta. I mean, shes very confusing. Shes always been very hard to read up until last month. So ive been reading her since monday, and i swear, with the passing glances she gives me when she doesnt think im paying attention, say that she wants me to touch her, kiss her, ANYTHING. i mean if you noticed it, you would be able to see where i get it from.

ANOTHER deal going on though,

Bateman, i hung out with her most of the day today and i kept thinking about her leaving me. Im sooooo... gahhh i dont know. I love her. I love Joy. and its soooo stupid and hard to love someone that doesnt love you back. Everything just seems to fall around me, and crumble. But  im happy with just being around them. Im happy with just being friends, but i LOVE them. Like i would DIE for those two girls and i seriously dont understand why im all attached to them.

For everyone that is just now joining me, because i know there are a few, mainly Chaney AND Bateman.
Yes Bateman, i love you, ive told you this, and we've had a long conversation about it.
Chaney, Ik you want me to just forget about Joy and in all honesty to everyone, it would be the best thing for me to do. BUT i cant.

See ive found out when you love someone, you really love them, it never fades, and it wont ever fade, she knows that. But she causes hell for me, shes mostly everything i stress out about and i find myself thinking in the mornings something like 'maybe this shirt will grab Joys attention' but you know what i need to tell myself? NO. She doesnt love me and honestly she probably never did. AND yes, my world revolved around her. Its so dissapointing when someone is the apple of your eye, your whole world and they dont even give you a second thought. So to snap something off thats so important as your first love, is stupid. And yes Joy i need to rant on you.
You know what, this is what i want to happen, i want you to go out, fuck some dude i dont really care, but go out, live, and then come back, and when im what you miss, PLEASE tell me because, everyday im losing intrest but shocker, i still love you, and i want to inflict some type of sorrow or anger on you because i hate living my day by day life hating myself because of how i feel kbout you. You ARE a very smart, beautiful girl but heres what im getting at, no one can love you like your first love has, did, or ever wouldve done.
And Bateman, Im going to hate next year because youre slowly replacing Joy and i cant help but want to keep you here because of my own self centered needs. You just being here makes me laugh and smile and im happy around you. I really am. And one last little rant for you, love.
Youre beautiful, always have been to me. You're amazing and smart and beautiful and i love you. I have no clue how to put how much you mean to me into words except for this: You are my world right now, and when you leave, i'll have to find a new one. But i dont want to find a new one. I love you.

So done for today my lovelies.
Goodnight, sleep tight the darkness will kill you at night lol <3

Ashes,

Ashes,

We

All

Fall

D

  o

   w

    n

     .

      .

       .

Im a Sex Symbol? I Think So :)

Soooo im walkin' down the road. Meeting some of my friends down at the bus stop, so i get down there and i notice Annabell is back! :D im all happy go lucky, clinging to her like i do to most of my friends. And then my guy friend, we shall call him by his sexy name of Leo, hugs me from behind and we're laughing and playing, so my other girl is all calm and laughing at us and then she looks at me and says 'You are the most casual sex symbol ever'.
NOW COME ON! THATS BLOODY FUCKING AWESOME! and the best part shes straight :) so that tells you i have some amazing skills. OH and a new addition,i have my fourth sex buddy or if youd rather call them my touchy friends lol :)
Just saying :)
So no more for today
bye my lovelies :)

Random video day time starts now

So yeah, have fun

oh, and hey, dont tell anybody

See, its one of those moments when youre happy but dont know why and you tell everyone.
So when Joy walked up to me THREE HOURS LATER and says "Dont tell anyone."
My first thought was 'You should told me this earlier.'
So im sorta confused lol i kinda wish shed help m out and drop a hint or SOMeTHING i men COME ON! IM OBLIVIOUS TO THE WORLD!
anyyyywhoooo, remember the hot chick? yeah, she is now dating some dude which makes me sad. And im still at this moment dating Kare but im thinking of dropping her. QUICK.
Shes soooo.... self centered and its HORRIBLE i mean its more annoying then me telling you the name of girls i chased trying to forget Joy. (Quite long... very long...) and i feel horrible for it.
So enough talking about that:
Heres my dream from like, forever ago which ironicly involves a full moon. Only one of you will understand that.
I was walking around the park, staring at the pond, with the giant full moon reflecting in the still water. I realized ther was someone walking with me so i looked at them, Joy. She stood there looking at the sky.
"So?" I asked, looking at her for a little while then looking ahead.
"So? What do you want me to say?" She laughed.
I just shrugged and flashed her a quick smile. If nothing else, i was happy it was her that was with me.
"Why'd you bring me here?" She asked me.
"It was pretty, so i thought i'd bring you." I admitted.
We ventured to a bench not too far off an sat down.
"Well, thanks i guess." She laughed again.
"Should we be here? Ya know... together?" I asked her, wondering if she got the butterflies still, like last year. I still got them everytime we were ogether, bu its not like it mattered anymore.
"Why not? I think its fine. We're just friends after all." She said.
It went quiet and we just sat thee for a few minutes, taking in th surroundings.
"Joy... I need to say something..." I looked at her, looking into her eyes, like i used to, like i wanted her.
"Go ahead, speak." She smiled.
"I miss you, i still love you, and i havent stopped. I just dont understand how you just... left." I said bluntly, getting it out before i second guessed it.
"Rain..." She sighed, looking down. A sign of being ashamed.
"Please, you used to love me. You loved me at somepoint, how can you just leave?"
"Because i just stopped loving you." She looked up at me.
"Just..." I started then stopped, and looked away before continuing. When i looked back up at her i came close to her face, leaning into her.
"Hm?" She asked, unflinchingly.
"Prove that you dont love me. Prove that you dont want me. Kiss me." I demanded.
Unlike what i was expecting i felt her lips touch mine and in a whirl of emotion i pulled her close, kissing her again, feeling her let me take over.
Maybe... maybe she wanted this still...
Slowly we syopped kissing, and we slid away from eachother.
Without a word she stood up and looked at me.
Like a moment from a movie, she held her hand out for me to hold.
"come on, lets go walk."

End of dream
So yeah theres that. Now im done for a little. Bye guys <3

Come on, stop teasing. Just be Sexy, Naughty and Bitchy and i'll chase your tail ;)

So yeah ;) im not going to complain today ;) Infact, this new girl caught my eye today and i mean DAMN ;3
She's just DAMN and i started talking to her here's what it went like.. she has quotes, ill be in itallics.
"You know, guys chase a ton of tail.*Awkward laugh*"
Yeah well, youre in our territory now *Flashes a quick sly smile*
"Our terriotory now?*catious look*"
Yeah, if you walk into this school and youre single, best believe it you're in the game*shrug*
"What do you think? Would you tap me?*cocky grin*"
Are you really asking?
"Yeah. would you?"
*sly smile* Yeah.
"Mkay, now i know you chase tail too."
Hahahaha, obviously i look, not chase. Plus, youre not my type. (lies she was completely amazing)
"Whats your type, hm?*smile*"
Be Sexy, naughty and bitchy then i'll be on your tail in no time. Whats funny is you wouldnt be a challange. You'd be wrapped around my finger in no time.
"Hahaha mkay, i'll see what i can do."
Then she got up, ran a finger over my lips and left. Like legit DAMN ;3
Time to stop pinning and tap some ass ;)
Btw this is the song of the week:

bending and breaking

You know... in physical terms im veryyyy i dont know, stiff.
But when it comes to thinking and fantasizing im flexible with who i think or fanasize about.
Usually Joys on my mind and all i can think is wtf? Why do i feel like complete shit? Why do i always cry when i think of her? Ironiclly, ive always wanted her to see me as strong so she can depend on me... but she doesnt need me doesnt want me and heres where i break into millions of pieces.
Everytime i see her i fall in love again.
But everytime she walks away i feel broken all over again.
because i know she doesnt hesitate she doesnt care...
And i wanted to pull her soooo much closer when we hugged today...
Its you know,whatever...

Full Moon Nightmare

So, Joy and i agreed that we have way more things to talk about.
:) but no, no happy face. sad face VERY LEGIT SAD FACE </3 just so ya know.

So yeah nothin else </3


bye

Last night nightmare

So, three problems.
One. Joy danced and kissed some dude, and im jealous as CRAP. You see,  never got to really dance with her before.
Two. I realized Joy was actually happy. And now... idk i just can't keep chasing her. Shes HAPPY. thats what i want for her.
Three. I was around Bateman all night <3 god i was happy. Except these guys kept asking me to grind and i was like 'hmmmmm im gay, so unless youve go a chick for me, no.' and i laughed as tey had hurt faces and walked away xD
Chaney was going to ACTUALLY dance with me and grind or whatever she had planned but i lost her in the monster sized mosh pit xD
But I actually had a nightmare last night.
So i woke up in some house i didnt know, and i was empty, i started flippin out because on the wall there were pictures of everyone ive cared for at some point. 'Heated feelings' so to say. and they were in order, of who i liked to the most recent. And each picture was amazing, just saying, like they were pretty.
So from Kare bear to Annabell.
And then the door bell rang, i answered it of course, and it was some tall strongly built guy all dressed up, which if i was attracted to dudes, he was very good looking.
And he startd crying like WTF man.
and i was like'Can i help you?'
'youre alive...' he cried
i was all, yeaaaahhh? like Who the fuck said i died? Im only fuckin' fourteen almost fifteen.
so i brought him inside and the whole house changed, everything changed.
I was older, maybe like 45 or so, and the house was different and smelt like cookies <3 i enjoy cookies <3 but the man stayed the same.
And i started talking to him, and it was about why he was here and why he thought i had been dead.
he said this 'because, Mom thought you died when you randomly disappeared.'
MOM?
'Who?' I asked politely, bringing him some water.
'Sydney Rutz? your wife?'
Omg my head went spinning.
i was all since when was i married and 45 and whyyyyyyyyyy?

So maybe I'll marry Sydeny lmao who knows but im all 'Kid, mine, sydney, wtf, confused, whyyyyyy.'
lol
but now im down to two girls.
Bateman
and
Kare.
im dating Kare but idk if i want to be back with her. We had a lot of issues me and her...
so lets see how it goes :)

The darkness is your pet now? what the hell...

Rambo

So there is this girl named Chaney and i really like her. She knows this and is still my best friend.
so today she was dressed like rambo, honestly i think it was hot. She is usually hot so... yeah.
Ive lowered myself to three girls.
Chaney
annabell
and
bateman. So just fyi


K :)

wow anna, REALLY?

Guess i made Annabell mad, she left in a storm and hasnt said a thing. I dont know what i did, one minute we're on my bed the next... she storms out. Its.... odd... little zoey here has no clue either :/ Bella im sorry... i dont know what i did.

Boats and birds

Beautiful song <3 reminds me of three people:
Annabell, Joy and Allard :) LYRICS:
If you be my star then i'll be your sky, you can hide underneath me and come out at night, when i turn jet black and you show off your light, i live to let you shine, i live to let you shine.
But you can rocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy far away from here with more room to fly, just leave me your star dust to remember you by. If you be my boat i'll be your sea, a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity, ebbing an flowing and pushed by a breeze, i live to make you free, i live to make you free <3 but you can set sail to the west if you want to,and pass the horizon till i cant even see you, far from here where the beaches are wide, just leave me your wake to remember you by. If you be my star i'll be your sky you can hide underneath me and come out at night, when i turn jet black and you start to shine, i live to let you shine <3

Its all to soon to tell but

Im actually getting attached to Annabell... maybe shes worth gvng my all :) i dont know but shes been on my mind constantly today... but i have all this other stuff around me like temptation and sorrow that i dont think i should even try to risk it. Plus theres like six other girls that i 'feel' something for... plus after joy im scared to give in to anyone. I dont know, but whatever it is, with annabell i just trust <3 and i want and feel and i feel real like im not going through what im going through... like its just me and her. And i love it :) <3

Random pictures of Annabell :)

Isnt she amazing? Lol i love that last one <3 <3 <3 From like three years ago :)

Awkward?

So, Joy made me smile while she talked to Rain not but like ten minutes ago.
Yeah yeah, Joy kept like asking what Bell was doing and like i would talk about her like she wasnt there to bother her. It was amazing. *chuckles*
Yeah, she wouldn't give me a kiss.
I did eventually. Remember? ;)
You're a perv.
But you love me. Don't say you dont, your blog even said so.
Wow, at least I'm on your bang list. I never said you were on mine.
Oh, okay Annabell, sit there and pretend you don't want to take me upstairs.  I know you do, thats why you wouldn't come down stairs and made me talk in different languages.
Oh yes, that was amausing <3 I think you sounded sexy :)
'Anna, herkommen, amore, Ich leibe du.' I even know what you said ;)
Oh? Translate for us.
'Anna, come here. Love? I love you.'
You did it :) I'm proud of you :) <3 <3
I do actually love you, you know that right?
I do, but i can't say the same right now, but you do mean alot to me, i swear. You're one of my precious people.
'Precious people'? You've been watching NanoFate :D And to think, i started that. <3
You and your Yuri <3 Yes i watched it.
Hey, You guys should go watch Nanofate on youtube <3
That is, if you feel like watching manga lesbian kissing, but it is kinda funny.
It is, they are realllllyyyyy chessy :)
Not as chessy as you are, my dear.
Whatever :)
So idk what to talk about...
Me either. so i guess we'll go, and post something on Bells wall <3
Okay sounds like a plan <3

Bye guys <3
Bye <3 :)

I actually took this picture :) isn't she beautiful? <3

Questions and Answers with Annabell :)

Hey, so my words are like this <- Rain
And mine look like this <3 <- Bell

So, Just really bored, lol and Bell is all 'Don't kiss me yet.'
Which is what I did say because unlike Rain, I actually make people earn my kisses.
Not cool.
No, i'm hot ;) remember?
Sure, sure you are,  but i'm sexy. Thus why you kissed me back.
You know, i feel bad for that girl... Kara? Yeah, she got the short end of that situation. Plus we kissed why you were dating her.
It wouldnt be the first time i let that slip to be honest, i had a wierd situation where i was kissed by Allard when i was dating joy... and that screwed me over, but see, i guess its different, because i was planning to break up with Kara.
Cheating is cheating, love. Don't try to throw a switch-a-roo in there.
Yeah well, whatever. I feel somewhat bad.
was Joy the one you were talking to about me?
yeah...?
Hm... okay i was just wondering, i can never be too sure who you're talking to anymore... you talk to so many people, its sad. You're like a... Cat, you are always bothering someone for attention.
Rudddeeee, but i agree, i think its more of a dog though.
Are you a dog person?
Off and on, i like animals in general.
I know that but i didn't know the Cat and Dog thing, its actually a real popular question.
DID YOU KNOW BELL SAYS 'ALUMINUM' ALL FUNNY LIKE? :D
... wow... how do i respond to that^^? v.v smh
Why do you do that?
What? Smh?
Yeah, whats that mean?
Shaking my head lol
OH! :D OKAY :D

welp im done now.
Bye guys <3 Chao <3

Today :)

So, Annabell is on her way over, and it shouldnt be too long before she gets here <3 I've had my mind on her all day <3

So, for more of a background story,
Her parents put her in a foster service, because they can't take care of her for long periods of time, neither her or her older sister, Alice, theyve never been able to handle them finacially.So Annabell goes back and forward between her parents, Here in the U.S.A. and her grandparents, that live in the U.K. so its quite difficult to keep in touch with her. But she comes and goes every two years.
So i've known her for a long time, this being my fifth year in this state, so my official fourth year knowing Annabell. <3

She came over yesterday, and well i'm a story writer, so I'll explain this, in a story type way lol Third person.

The doorbell rang and i sprung to my feet, slamming the computer in the corner, then walking nonchalantly to the door. "Hell- Annabell? Is that you?" I bright smile fell on my face.
"I was hoping you'd still be here, you know in this house." She laughed, her eyes locked on mine.
"Yeah, come in, no ones home." I said, smiling at her, she had gotten so much more beautiful since I had last seen her.
"Wow, you guys actually moved everything in?" She laughed, flipping her hair out of her deep brown eyes.
"Yeah, it took forever." I laughed, watching as she made her way to the stairs.
"You change your room?" She asked me, honestly curious, a sweet exspression on her face.
"Yeah, i just got done with posting papers on my wall." I admitted, following her up the stairs and into my room, watching as she sat on my bed, staring at my walls.
"I see that, it's a nice change, not as girlie, which knowing you, you hate being girlie." She teased.
"Very very true, love." I mocked her slight english accent.
"Shu' up you little hobnocke'" she stated, glaring at me.
"So how's life been?" I asked her, watching as she started talking but i wasn't paying attention, i found myself staring at her lips, parting and her eyes, scanning the room. She ran her hand through her hair and layed her hand beside mine, oddly close.
"So yeah..." She finished talking.
I staried at her for a little and watched as her eyes scanned my face, hovering on my lips, an obvious sign.
I smiled a cocky smile at her and leaned in, watching as we both hesitated, and before i knew it, her lips were parted along with mine and we had already locked lips, her tounge slidding slightly against mine.

I pulled away after that^^ so yeah thats what happened. I'll blog more on what else happens a little later <3 she's here. Bye guys <3

What i was just thinking

Ive cause hell on Joy, honestly, it hasnt been a walk in the park for her either. I do think i'll leave her be. But i wont throw unecessary distanes inbetween us, i was angry and said what came to mind, and for that i am incredibly sorry...
But, i must admit, ive been having these thoughts, about... this friend of mine, and sadly its not Kara, which is why tomorrow will be a little wierd. But i've had 'heated' feelings for this friend. And i mean, come now,we've all had thoughts of a friend at least once.
But itsone of those, where i couldnt help my self when she came over earlier... and we were up stairs and her voice, her eyes, her just bein there, was making my heart flutter... and I sort of leaned in and kissed her. But she didnt pull away, she came closer, which, made me second guess it. But She smiled at me and said "I've been waiting for that."
Lets call her...
Annabell :)
Shes so pretty :) Brown hair, deep brown eyes, with this wierd light green ring around her pupil (i stared ar her eyes)
lust is usually regreted.
Im not over Joy, but im no longer mad at pitty things. And kara, well wish me the best for that tomorrow...



Yeah thats right the darkness is eating you, no youre not trippin'

Thats annabell :)

Last one for today, i promise.

So.
Should i really give up on Joy?

Shes obviously not worth my time and by this note im holding in my hand, doesnt give a damn.
I'm scared to let go. What if MAYBE she'll miss me some day and i wont care? With what i had with her, i dont want to leave. Im scared to lose her...
If i give up, im going to put as much space between her and me and until the day i can truthfully say i dont care, i wont go anywhere near her, and hope maybe it'll get better...
How are you supposed to handle heart breaks?
Now i know how those girls felt... its horrifying.
Maybe i should get back with one of my exs (not sarah) Me and kara just... dont work... we're way too different to even start. and tomorrow... i think im going to break up with her... im just not right, right now.


So, should i give up on Joy?

Whatdaya think Sweetie? Since you're reading this, want me to disappear? Just. say. yes.

The darkness needs to swallow you damnit.... im not paying it to lay around like a cat....

Joy

Heres to you, let me know what you think.

I was wrong, i was wrong, for thinking my heart could be my own. I was strong, i was strong, when i had a reason to hold on. Let me fall, let me fall, for you, Let me fall for you. Dont look down, dont look down, by now its too late to take it slow, turn around, turn around, give me a reason to let go. Let me fall, let me fall for you. Let me fall for you. Its almost over, im hanging by a thread, With all the words i never said, im going under, so tell me what to do, i have nothing to hold onto, let me fall for you, all the time, all the time, you were the one that got me through, like a sign, like a sign, you were the voice that knew the truth, let me fall, let me fall for you.

So im Pinning?

Understandable, im after someone, JOY (dumbasses that have no clue, youre seriously fucked up) anywho, im aparently pinning (THE WORD IS CHASING SWEETIE) after Joy and yes i am dating Kara, i do like Kara, shes a sweet girl but something else, i dont think i ACTUALLY like her... I think im using her, hoping Kara and I would end up like me and Joy, but i dont want something LIKE that. What I had with JOY was a one of a kind thing. If you dont understand that Joy i can't ever help you. You have NO clue exactly what i'm thinking and what i want. you tried to OFFER ME SOMETHING? REALLY?
one thing what'll it be?
OH HEY HERES AN ANSWER, I WANT YOU
IT WONT EVER CHANGE! CANT MAKE IT CHANGE! WONT EVER CHANGE!
and i thought you were smart? read between the lines.
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I
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LOVE
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YOU
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Mindy, call me, please. I need to talk to you.






Love,
peace,
and all.





I hope the darkness swallows you damnit.

you have SOME NERVE

Alright, check this shit out, Joy, wrote me an amazing note that pissed me off like, serious.
Now the first few scentences actually are about stuff but about how 'its all blown over me'
Does she not understand that i dont want to hear that? That i LAY in bed at night for HOURS on end wondering what shes doing. And then goes to rant about FUCKING PANCAKES and the last line says word for word
See how i made it long, to give you false hope?
Bitch, i fucking love you and youre going to do that shit? The shit that makes me want to forget? because NOW you dont seem worth it. NOW you make me think maybe chaney is right, maybe i should just, lose all conection with you. But guess what? I CANT. why? BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND I CANT TURN IT OFF LIKE A FUCKING LIGHT SWITCH LIKE YOU FUCKING DID!
WHAT THE HELL? ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME MAD AT YOU?! WELL GUESS THE FUCK WHAT?! YOU DID IT! YOU FINALLY DID IT! HAPPY?
AND ITS ONLY MONDAY! I DIDN'T DO THIS SHIT TO LET YOU HAVE FUN AND MIND FUCK ME! I DID IT SO YOU KNEW THAT I MISS YOU AND FUCKING WANT YOU BACK! GOD FUCKIN' DAMNIT JOY.




Why to me? did i really hurt you that bad? You know those three little words? 'I love you' Yeah, you can't take those back. You knew this was going to hurt me, Joy, and it still does, we're almost to halloween and im still hurt, and to make it ALL better, right? You do this? really? youre really doing this to me?

To be honest to anyone reading this,  I have an opertuninty to move, and i just might take it. Moving to florida might help me in more ways then one, maybe i could actually finally forget...


Love,
peace,
and all


Btw, the darkness, yeah, its here, youre screwed.

This weeks video

Amazing, gunna do that tomorrow (write 'be ok' on my face) ^.^ </3

because this song fits but its a happy sad song lol right? imma do it </3

Love,
peace,
and all

Breathe, just Breathe

I have a nasty habit of being considerate, and when i do that i cant 'go out on  limb'.
EXAMPLE:
the first time i kissed Joy. IT TOOK FOREVER before i kissed her, and that time was about like... a month. Which, NOW, me looking back at it, maybe i should of done it earlier... if it would've saved us... *mental shrug*
So, yesterday, everything reminded me of her. And actually it got to the point where i shut myself off from the world and cried... I just miss her... and i see her EVERYDAY and i cant even look in her eyes... because i don't and cant attempt to see her any diffrently.. Because i strived to keep her, i did everything i could...
And every word Ive kept away from her couldve saved us and i hate myself for every single one i shut inside of me. I she knew maybe we would still be together... maybe Sarah wouldn't of happened, maybe i wouldn't b dating Kara either...  Maybe... we would've actually gotten married...
I have to go now... so much more to type but Ive already pushed back a crying scene at the llibrary..

Love,
peace,
and all </3

Can't you hear the boom da boom boom bass?

Nicki Manaj <3 she' really pretty, don't you agree?
I think she is like serious. so I'm kinda tired and just finished two very important things, ONE, English extra credit, which turned out to be an amazing scary story <3 and then TWO, the first notebook of a Revised version of this story I'm writing and guess who's in it? :D
JOY AND MINDY AND EVERYONE I NAMED BEFORE! lol
I'm in an oddly good mood because i wasn't yelled at last night :D which you'll find happens quite often... I don't have the best relationship with my mom... so.... yes... I'm going to start doing a video of the week :)
We already had this weeks (see previous posts)
Now, on Joy, i ACTUALLY got her to write another note and on Monday i get it, but i can't help but wonder exactly what the first one said that she wanted to keep from me... although, its not like  can go to her house and tackle her for answers anymore, which really usually never worked (but she says they did) I hardly ever got answers lol. But another thing, Ive realized that Joy still laughs at my stupid stuff and uses this voice she used to use when we were together on the phone that could just be her messing with me, but I'll never know because she'll never tell lol. Oh well, ranting is done for the day <3

Love,
peace,
and all that <3

And btw, the darkness has set in <3