Confused as fuck

sooo My new little benefit, has decided she isnt all  wanting it anymore. Well sorta. I mean, shes very confusing. Shes always been very hard to read up until last month. So ive been reading her since monday, and i swear, with the passing glances she gives me when she doesnt think im paying attention, say that she wants me to touch her, kiss her, ANYTHING. i mean if you noticed it, you would be able to see where i get it from.

ANOTHER deal going on though,

Bateman, i hung out with her most of the day today and i kept thinking about her leaving me. Im sooooo... gahhh i dont know. I love her. I love Joy. and its soooo stupid and hard to love someone that doesnt love you back. Everything just seems to fall around me, and crumble. But  im happy with just being around them. Im happy with just being friends, but i LOVE them. Like i would DIE for those two girls and i seriously dont understand why im all attached to them.

For everyone that is just now joining me, because i know there are a few, mainly Chaney AND Bateman.
Yes Bateman, i love you, ive told you this, and we've had a long conversation about it.
Chaney, Ik you want me to just forget about Joy and in all honesty to everyone, it would be the best thing for me to do. BUT i cant.

See ive found out when you love someone, you really love them, it never fades, and it wont ever fade, she knows that. But she causes hell for me, shes mostly everything i stress out about and i find myself thinking in the mornings something like 'maybe this shirt will grab Joys attention' but you know what i need to tell myself? NO. She doesnt love me and honestly she probably never did. AND yes, my world revolved around her. Its so dissapointing when someone is the apple of your eye, your whole world and they dont even give you a second thought. So to snap something off thats so important as your first love, is stupid. And yes Joy i need to rant on you.
You know what, this is what i want to happen, i want you to go out, fuck some dude i dont really care, but go out, live, and then come back, and when im what you miss, PLEASE tell me because, everyday im losing intrest but shocker, i still love you, and i want to inflict some type of sorrow or anger on you because i hate living my day by day life hating myself because of how i feel kbout you. You ARE a very smart, beautiful girl but heres what im getting at, no one can love you like your first love has, did, or ever wouldve done.
And Bateman, Im going to hate next year because youre slowly replacing Joy and i cant help but want to keep you here because of my own self centered needs. You just being here makes me laugh and smile and im happy around you. I really am. And one last little rant for you, love.
Youre beautiful, always have been to me. You're amazing and smart and beautiful and i love you. I have no clue how to put how much you mean to me into words except for this: You are my world right now, and when you leave, i'll have to find a new one. But i dont want to find a new one. I love you.

So done for today my lovelies.
Goodnight, sleep tight the darkness will kill you at night lol <3

Ashes,

Ashes,

We

All

Fall

D

  o

   w

    n

     .

      .

       .